My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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