I wish my penis had an off switch
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
