If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
