My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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