If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
