Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
