Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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