Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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