im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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