toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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