Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
