he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
