there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize