I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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