i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
