he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
