you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
