phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
