theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
