I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
