I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
