I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
