Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
