Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
