I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
