she woke up with a sticky ear
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
