Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
