Taylor Swift is so right about you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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