I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
