Is it because I queefed?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
