omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
