I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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