i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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