If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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