He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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