my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dignity is for republicans.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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