you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
