Where is the hickey?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
