Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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