he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
