Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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