Don't make out with my wife yet
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
