Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
