Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
