I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
