Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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