i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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