I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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