allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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