Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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