and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
