He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
